Congratulations fellow sophomores, we did it! My sincerest apologies, senior class of 2021. Better luck next time. The week of impromptu karaoke, sore throats, colorful tutus, muffled but impassioned cheering, and letting our inner competitiveness shine through has come to an end; but it was all worth it because we are the champions! Though now that we are all united as one school under the colors green and gold, I suggest we look back on some of the highlights of this year’s Shiriyah. It’s time we reminisce in everything we’ve put our heart and soul into for the past week: the most anticipated event since the quirks of what’s commonly referred to as Zoomiyah.
Landing themselves in the trenches of last place, the freshmen now sit in morbid discontent. Fret not thyself, because you have displayed the greatest strength in Shiriyah 2021. Having bore witness to the horrid sight of my classmates flailing about as the unexpectedly buff majority of the class of 2024 drags them across the gym floor is something we will never live down. The freshmen win was uniquely impressive, especially considering they have been in an awkward place this entire year; they barely see their friends or have had the chance to make any, yet they have mustered the strength to defeat the puny sophomores. Cheered on by the weaker links, the freshmen pulled themselves to an astonishing victory. They must be eating their Wheaties.
To the class of 2023, go purple! I am very proud to be making history with all of you as the first sophomore class to come out of Shiriyah victorious! I can’t say I was all too confident in our capabilities to pull off a record-breaking win, primarily because many of us used the week to make up for hours of sleepless nights; but I’m glad to know the underdogs do reign supreme in the grand scheme of things. Besides, it feels pretty good to stick it to the seniors! While tug-of-war was an all-time low for us, we have shared plenty of bright moments. After driving our generals to the brink of insanity, taking part in a hallway transformation that was a less extreme version of Flippin Vegas, and needing Mrs. Septimus to practically babysit our team, we have come out on top! It’s a win now to be celebrated by studying for APs, completing chem labs, and enjoying the “warm” weather.
The junior class was in desperate need of Shiriyah, a break from the miserable world of SATs, ACTs, APs… Now it was time for an NAP. However, the juniors continued to work hard. Their strong (but evidently inadequate) efforts were present in their hallway design, their banner, their song, and more. Though a wise squid once said, “Nobody gives a care about the fate of labor as long as they can get their instant gratification.” Sometimes the reward is found in your hard work, not necessarily the reward itself. Third place isn’t so bad after all. I’ll cut you some slack, and commend you for your near-victorious placement.
Seniors, this win was supposed to be the icing on the cake to an exceptional four years. Except, you didn’t win, you didn’t get any icing, and you now have a dry cake (nobody likes dry cake). Rumor has it that Shiriyah is ostensibly rigged to ensure an inevitable senior win. This year disproved that long-maintained theory, but you still had plenty of great moments. You dominated in public speaking, the video competition, trivia, and more. Besides, you now all share the common rage of having been the first senior class to have lost to tenth graders. Great job! Despite everything, this loss is incredibly minor compared to the much brighter future ahead of you. I am sure you will all achieve much greater success far more rewarding than the North Shore color war. You will all soon bake your own, individual servings of very delicious cake, with all of the icing you will ever need. (Though I recommend you wait till after Passover because kosher-for-Passover cake is practically inedible). So stop moping, because that sounds pretty good to me!
Wishing you all a happy Passover!
P.S: This is all said in jest. Everyone did a fantastic job!